Welcome to the
2019 NFL Season.
The stakes are higher and the trash talk is greater than ever before. After a rough beginning, Kethan Reddy made some bold acquisitions last year and ran away with the 2018 Dollar Championship.
Who will clinch victory in 2019?
Only time will tell. Until then, we’ll do our part in speculating who drops a top three position player (Zach), who drafts a future felon (Katie), and who should be letting Steve Savard ghost manage (Noah).
See you on draft day.
Glancing back at yesteryear’s numbers
2018 Season Scores (East)
2018 Season Scores (West)
2019 Season Preview
Noah Klimisch
The recipient of the coveted 2018 “Sacko” award, Noah has dedicated his off-season to studying both NFL and NCAA football. Asked about his prospects this year, Klimisch said:
“I’m undoubtedly the top contender this year... To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand my strategy for the season. The data I use is extremely nuanced. Without a solid grasp of machine learning, the complete analysis is incomprehensible to a layperson. Not to mention, there's also my nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into my plan for the season - my personal philosophy draws heavily from watching YouTube videos of Bill Belichick scowl and swear. Few have the intellectual capacity to realize that my analysis is not only a revolutionary take on the NFL, but also on life. I’ll just come out and say it — no one in this league would appreciate my ranking of Giants QB Josh Rosen as the #1 QB off the board. Catch me in the championship.”
If complaining was correlated with performance, then Noah would be the top seed for 2019. We’ll see if bench capacity and waiver rules were his only barriers to success… Hopefully, staring at Kethan’s photo day in and day out will add some spice to an otherwise vanilla strategy.
Katie Savard
Guided only by their catechisms and a summary of NFL Combine bench press statistics, devout Catholics Katie Savard and General Manager Steve Savard place a high priority on drafting men of principle. The number one principle? Winning.
The key to any Savard strategy is to do the beating, rather than receive it. Some might consider the moral high ground as the path that emphasizes morality, however Savard offered another take.
“It’s about the high ground,” Savard added. “The proper Catholic path is the one that gives you a leg up. Sometimes that means an extra 3” for Hoopfest. Other times that means maintaining the integrity of the draft by ensuring I have the proper draft position. We’re Catholics—not Buddhists. There’s always confession.”
Cory Johnson
Cory’s fantasy philosophy is similar to his cleaning philosophy - if you do a good job once, why do it again? For both his bathroom and his roster, this is a great strategy for weeks 1-3, gets a bit worse week 4, and everything goes to shit after that. By the end of the season, Cory’s team starts to look like the 8 month old potatoes buried under who knows what in the pantry. Needless to say, it’s not pretty.
But now, Cory has turned over a new leaf, moving across the water to seek his fortune in the land of mid-level Microsoft employees and their newly immigrated Chinese relatives: Crossroads, Bellevue. With his new digs and a romance for the ages, maybe Cory is finally ready to settle down with some players for an entire season.
Jessica Jin
A perennial contender for the Dollar or the Sacko—nothing in between—Jessica Jin laments what she calls the “softening” of the league:
“Just last year, we had Miles Wilson give up on his team because of the emotional trauma I caused when I defeated him in the 2016 championship. That’s ***** ****. This is football, everyone needs to nut up. Men puke, men poop on the field, men deliver their new born babies on the sidelines. I’m the biggest shit talker in the league, but I also have the thickest skin.”
Needless to say, Jin will have the TV on and ready for opening kickoff on September 5th, and abruptly turn it off five minutes into the game when her team is down 0-5.
Experts have observed that all of Jin’s championship teams have closely mirrored the strategy that led to former Packers coach Mike McCarthy losing his job in 2018 - namely, draft a mediocre team and let a freak performance (usually from Aaron Rodgers) bail you out. With her traditional draft guide “A Gronking to Remember” years out of date, it remains to be seen whether Jin will adjust to the times or be left behind again.
Kethan Reddy
After winning last year’s championship, current dollar holders “Tiger” Reddy and his assistant seer “Nosthridaymus” Munim are ready to make the big moves for a repeat title. Will there be a “super bowl slump” or is this the beginning of a dynasty?
Though their draft strategy is proprietary, inside sources have speculated that they place a high priority on a top secret “handsome index” when determining draft picks. History has shown, however, that Reddy’s ideas are either the vision of a mastermind or just short of landing him a Darwin award. Will 2019 be a case of the chicken nugget pizza or will he ascend to greatness yet again?
Bo Brinkmann
Despite a proven track record, Brinkmann opted to dial it in for last season’s draft and was unable to salvage his team, finishing with a league worst 4-9 record.
Brinkmann was not available for comment, perhaps a foreboding indication of a repeat performance in 2019.
His secretary did offer the following contact information for all fantasy football related matters.
Justin Beck
After the mid-season firing of Miles Wilson in 2018, acclaimed NFL expert Justin Beck took over and led BD Felipe Rios to a respectable 6-7 finish in what otherwise would have been a throwaway season. It’s rumored that Johnny Football himself sought Beck’s advice and arranged a clandestine meeting in a Las Vegas gas station in the spring of 2016.
As an accomplished athlete, Beck looks to fill his roster with the most athletic and talented players around the league. He doesn’t play favorites and always has an even and informed view of the NFL. In his words, “Everyone I draft this year is a future first ballot Hall of Fame contender. Expect no less than an undefeated season.”
August Bress
A mere 2 seasons ago, August Bress—known as “Augie” to friends and enemies alike—was a rookie himself. Now, Bress likens his own football aptitude to that of current NFL “it boy” Los Angeles Rams coach Sean McVay.
“The thing is everyone in the NFL is trying to find McVay-Lite,” Bress expounded. “What they don’t get is that he’s Bress-Lite. McVay is overrated and I’m undoubtedly the best talent scout in this League.”
Bress reportedly has been working on his draft strategy since the end of last season, compiling a lengthy Excel spreadsheet based solely off of internet hype. Rumor has it Bress will be leaving his current role in the Fall to pursue a full-time gig lurking on r/fantasyfootball.
“This is my year and Josh Gordon will be MVP.”
Sergiu Ispas
Always in contention to take home the title, Sergiu Ispas is known for relying on tried and true veterans to reap guaranteed yardage week after week.
Admittedly, Ispas’ reliance on NFL stalwarts may be due to the fact that he has yet to move out of his parents’ home, where he only has access to a Hasbro Easy-Bake Oven and a copy of Madden 14.
Will 2019 be the year that Ispas embraces a riskier drafting strategy? Will he finally move out and bring home a nice girl other than Noah? And who the hell is Matt Sneed?
Zach Alleva
This off-season, Zach Alleva has quit eating meat and adopted two kittens. Although the kittens are still relatively new acquisitions, Alleva has fully embraced his role as crazy cat guy. He is now passionately involved in coaching Avocado and Tangerine’s “cat football” league.
Meanwhile, his partner Sage Speak has been hitting the gym and building spreadsheets to draft the ultimate fantasy football team. All of the passwords to team management have been changed, so Zach will not be able to repeat his annual tradition of dropping a top 3 wide receiver to the waivers. This adjustment alone makes them a solid championship contender.